That is right up there with the innocuous personal questions, "When are you getting married?" or "When are you going to have a baby?" or "When are you going back to school?"

It seems to be our innate collective need as a society to corral those who are not quite fitting the comfortable norm. It seems unnatural for us to want our time alone. Oh, don't get me wrong, I want a relationship in my life eventually. And my aversion to it now is not what it was five years ago. It longer stems from the hatred of all men. Yes, I am relinquishing my "bitter divorcee" crown to the next generation. No, in fact, there is no aversion anymore. There is, however, a whole lot more in its place...desires to do things for and by myself...on my own...without the pressure of being concerned about another human being. Let's face it, being in a relationship takes work. And I feel I have plenty of other things to focus on right now. It may sound selfish, but I feel it's time for me to use that "relationship" energy towards myself. It would be unfair to ask a guy to be in a relationship with this mess of misdirection and lunacy, and it would be unfair for me to be judged for it on a daily basis.

That's not to say I'm not going to get back on the computer dating website and give it whirl again. Let's be honest, there are just too many funny stories waiting to happen in that scenario for me to give it up. Perhaps that's wrong of me to have that attitude, but I love meeting new people and making new friendships...it's the whole commitment thing that scares the poop out of me.

So, to answer family and friends, yes, some day the gate will be open where my heart will be ready to let another one share in the ride and I will be ready to share in someone else's ride. But, for now, I'm in this roller coaster car solo and enjoying every minute of it with wreckless abandon.

It's so odd to read a post I wrote in March 2013 discussing the very same event I am going through now, but it is different...the mind set. Two years ago, I was still moving for my kids, for the family. It's such a strange sensation to be forced into redirection by life forces in such a short period of time. But now, yes, life is saying, "You are wrapping up Mommyhood and moving into Womanhood." Oh, mind you, I don't believe these two are mutually exclusive. However, when you become a single mom when your kids are young, you are forced to make choices that put the kids first. Ironically, those are the same choices that anger them the most as they try to break free from your grasp. We work hard at "holding the family together" only to realize that the family is meant to grow and spread and morph into something totally new and even more exciting...each of us taking on new roles and separating our identities...claiming our own places in life, reveling in each other's new found freedoms and aspirations. To our children, this is a new and exciting, albeit scary, time. For us "older" folk, it is a time of utter confusion at first....your sole purpose as care giver being ripped away and replaced by something not yet discovered. And that is where I am at in my own journey, letting go of the fear, the confusion of my new purpose, and embracing the unknown. And with the radical life change comes another purge, perhaps the biggest one yet...one that may take the next two years to achieve as my son and daughter both slowly leave the nest. But it most certainly has started.

Not unlike the popular horror movie, My Purge involves radical release. No, I am not turning to a life of murder. But I am finding myself able to let go of so much more than ever before in my life. I guess in some way, keeping "things" around that are consistent and keep memories alive for my kids was part of my way of keeping the family life intact. It has been hard for me to "let go" of both kids and the memories that were encapsulated in things in our home. I felt like I was going to lose my sense of purpose. Then this morning I looked at two identical vases in my dining room sideboard. I loved those vases because they were so pretty, or did I? As I starred at them it occurred to me that those were the 2 vases delivered to me at my old business on Valentine's Day in 2004. They were full of beautiful roses sent by my then husband. I thought it was odd that he sent two but was thrilled nonetheless. I called him and thanked him. He seemed angered that I had received two, so much so that I became disturbed at his reaction. I called the florist to ask if there had been an error in my delivery. The man at the other end was suitably flustered explaining my husband had just called to "fix" the error. I asked if we needed to return one. The man stuttered, "Oh no, we will just deliver a new one to the other intended party." "What other party, " I asked quietly. The man hung up. I later found out about "the other party". But why had I kept these two vases for so long when they actually held the secret to such a painful time? I sighed, climbed onto my step stool, gingerly grabbing both vases.  Ten years ago I would have smashed these on the man's front porch, but today I stare at them and realize they are a symbol of the start of my next phase. To let them go in a kind way, giving them to the 2nd hand shop down the street, is my way of sending that part of me into the past. And, so begins a beautiful part of life where I am learning to let go, not by force of will, desire, or anger, but just the knowledge that the life in front of me holds more joy in store that any joy holding on to these vases could provide....and so now that poor 2nd hand store is being inundated by my "memories".

She caresses the frame, feeling the smoothness of the shell it is made of.  The woman gazes at the picture not really seeing the people in it. She sees her reflection looking back at her, a shadow of what she has become, and what she always was...nothingness. To be completely alone is when you come to truly know yourself. "Hogwash," she mutters, throwing the family photo on the ground. "It's utterly useless. All very profound bullshit, but utterly useless." She stands above the frame looking down at the three people smiling politely back at her. That deep yearning of wanting to know what happened, where had she made that wrong turn for everything to be such a shambles. "Pull yourself up by your boot straps, you'll be fine. Really? Who comes up with this garbage?" The woman has taken to talking to herself in the dark apartment where she stands solitary, one light behind her creating a slight halo around her shadowy image, "Look, I'm an angel," she thinks delightfully. "More like a fruitcake," she mutters to herself in disgust. "Too bad that anxiety attack didn't kill you and put you out of your misery." She realizes the two other people in the picture are her children. She pauses. Their images appear almost as they do in life...no longer part of her picture. She is hugging shadows of what once was. Suddenly the creak of the air vents startles her. The furnace has turned on and made her come back to the here and now...where she really no longer wants to be. She picks up the frame and places it in a box. It is time to move on.

To dance

To feel

Take away

Steal away

So many years sucked away

To dance

To feel

It's mine

The life you stole away

To dance

To feel

It's mine

My life I take back now this day

To dance

To feel

It's mine

Oh, the glory to feel this way

To dance

To feel

The luxurious rhythm of the music, the moist grass between my toes, the air in my hair

To dance

To feel

It's mine now I say

I dance

I feel

Again

I love this picture because it describes my life in one fell swoop...I am constantly starting and finishing and often feel like it is in the same spot. Life is full of us starting things that should, once we cross the finish line, change our lives. But truly, we are right back where we started. Odd that.

But I came to realize that every time I start a new challenge to myself...a challenge to make things better...to grow...to improve...well, I do actually end up a little more ahead. Oh, not by much, and certainly not to the point of solving life's ills, but far enough to make me want to challenge myself again and again. And what I have really noticed is that those periods where I am "within" the challenge, I am finding a sense of happiness...more so than whenever I complete the challenge.

So, tomorrow I start yet another challenge to myself...a physical and spiritual cleanse of sorts. No, I am not shaving my head and handing out pamphlets at the airport, but with every challenge to myself comes a realization that we are all looking for the same thing...happiness. It's almost as if we are all born with that seed of happiness that is then hidden from us at an early age, and we spend the rest of our lives searching for that peaceful space where happiness reigns supreme. What I am finding as I get older is that when I make myself actively search and acknowledge that search..."the challenge"...it is the process that brings that happiness.  So, here is to the next challenge...24 days. And this challenge ends with me visiting my Mom in Santa Barbara on Thanksgiving Day...now that's a finish line...or my next starting point!

Remember these? Did your mom ever make you write one to relatives? The power of the Thank You hit me between the eyes today with the force of a baseball...line drive...and drove it home.

I do not talk about my work much, but it does take up a considerable amount of my life. This month has been especially hard on all of my co-workers and myself with 50+ hours work weeks to meet the end of the third quarter of the year. It takes it toll on everyone from the worker, family, and even the mailman who may carry the brunt of the angry, sleep-deprived worker when she realizes her mail did not get picked up.

And then a small Thank You is uttered by a person in authority. In middle-age, let's face it, we are jaded and not necessarily vested or even trying to get accolades from our employers. In this economy, I guess most of us just hope to keep a decent a paying job without too much "crap" thrown our way. But today a woman I report to uttered those  words in a kind e-mail to a number of us, "Thank you for your hard work!" And I responded in kind, telling her that it was so nice nowadays to hear those words, "Thank you." I think we both realized how basic a kindness it was and how odd that we were both discussing this in a brief, albeit heartfelt, IM.

The true irony was that an hour later, we were all sent as a team a warm "Thank You" from a client for hitting some incredible goals at the end a of an extremely hard quarter. To all managers, parents, coaches, business associates...I will tell you that one "Thank You" can wash away a lot of anxiety and exhaustion and rejuvenate those on the receiving end. The power of the "Thank You" is truly incredible.  Fleeting perhaps, but, nonetheless, powerful nowadays when criticism is far more prevalent.

I have written a lot of my own story and sometimes I think it is time to explore where we are all going. My kids are moving on but they often question my motives and actions. It's funny because the single parents in my audience know full well our motivation and reasons for our actions...our kids. But the kids do not like to acknowledge that, at least not while they are under our roof. Somehow we, as single parents, should have the where-with-all to strike out in an incredible way, make a living, maintain a home, find a new mate, and still inspire the world, while affording our children every expense desired.  Being exhausted and unfocused and perhaps even sad are not viable options but are, nonetheless, often present. And here I fail in every which way. I guess I shouldn't say fail, because in the grown up world I am fairing better off than many, but that is not what my kids see. Not just my kids but kids of my friends going through the very same plight.

So, I want to start looking at where we are going as a society of single parents. I know, nobody wants to admit that it's a reality here to stay, but it is. And I, for one, would have liked a road map to help me and my kids to a healthier transition. While laws are constantly changing regarding divorce and child custody, there is no question in my mind that as laws progressively change, the children are suffering. Yes, the parent who shoulders the brunt of the financial responsibility suffers as well, but I believe that for there to be any change in the system and laws, there needs to be a change in attitude towards responsibility for children. It seems that the parent receiving any support is looked as an unwarranted, overpaid, "welfare" recipient. Well, as a woman in the financial business, I can easily shoot down that theory, but will it matter?

So, I want to explore the changes in our society and how we are acknowledging how our future is being influenced. I will admit, I do not know how a parent can walk away from a child and his/her responsibilities...And I think that is a basic moral obligation. We, as a country, spend a heck of a lot of time and money arguing the viability of a fetus, while we have lots of viable KIDS walking the planet. And maybe to make my kids see me as viable, I want to research this a little further and put my two cents out there, having been through this as a kid and now a single mom. I think our kids deserve more from all of us.

It has been 3 days of pounding and yelling, "Necessito cerveza!" Yeah, me too, Buddy! Outside of my window where I work from home, has become home to a beehive of roofers, scrambling up and down 3 stories. I am just used to climbing out of bed in the wee hours and starting work in my PJs by at least 5:30am. The 2nd story window by my desk usually has no visitors as the only window in the home adjacent is a glass block window to a neighbor's bathroom. No worries, right? Until the landlord of the neighboring house finally decided it's time to replace the roof without notifying...uhhmmm...us. Suddenly my every move has become quite public which made me realize a robe was in order. It is quite alarming when you look out of your 2nd and 3rd story windows and see groups of men working on a roof within 10 feet of where you are standing or sitting or sleeping.

But I am not writing about the irritation and invasion of privacy this created...that's a given and far to boring because we have all been there. What suddenly struck me was periodically I looked over to see them working as I too worked. Within 10 feet of each other we existed in 2 completely different worlds. They were in the sun, it was hot outside, and although they were often at the same height as I was, they were in harms' way, precariously balancing as they stripped away the old roof. And here I sat comfortably, focusing on my computer, reviewing files, feeling a stress of a different nature. I couldn't decide if I was in the fishbowl or if they were, but it made me truly see the juxtaposition of lives and how we co-exist so closely physically, not nearly taking the time to realize that end of a hard day of work perhaps we all need to yell, "Necessito cerveza!"

Do you know what makes her tick? Do you know her concerns in life? Do you care?

I am speaking out to dads and moms alike who have walked off the job!

We, as a society, have allowed this to perpetuate. Too many parents have now become disassociated with their kids, and we allow it. You pay enough money then you don't have to see them and yet it is nothing compared to the amount the other parent pays to raise the child.

But there lies the sad truth...we have equated the care and love of a child with money.

I grew up with a single mom, and now I am a single mom. I look at this picture and I think of my son and daughter...wondering how they hope to do it differently...how they hope to make their own lives. And I remember how I vowed I would do it differently, only to be left trying to hold all the balls in the air. When we're young we know better, and when we are older we get dealt the house of cards called "reality". But perhaps we need to change reality.

Divorce is a reality, but care of our children has gotten lost in the mix. When did following your own dream become mutually exclusive of taking care of the person you helped create?

I look at my kids...pretty awesome accomplishment if they let me in as  part of their journey! Just saying!