That is right up there with the innocuous personal questions, "When are you getting married?" or "When are you going to have a baby?" or "When are you going back to school?"

It seems to be our innate collective need as a society to corral those who are not quite fitting the comfortable norm. It seems unnatural for us to want our time alone. Oh, don't get me wrong, I want a relationship in my life eventually. And my aversion to it now is not what it was five years ago. It longer stems from the hatred of all men. Yes, I am relinquishing my "bitter divorcee" crown to the next generation. No, in fact, there is no aversion anymore. There is, however, a whole lot more in its place...desires to do things for and by myself...on my own...without the pressure of being concerned about another human being. Let's face it, being in a relationship takes work. And I feel I have plenty of other things to focus on right now. It may sound selfish, but I feel it's time for me to use that "relationship" energy towards myself. It would be unfair to ask a guy to be in a relationship with this mess of misdirection and lunacy, and it would be unfair for me to be judged for it on a daily basis.

That's not to say I'm not going to get back on the computer dating website and give it whirl again. Let's be honest, there are just too many funny stories waiting to happen in that scenario for me to give it up. Perhaps that's wrong of me to have that attitude, but I love meeting new people and making new friendships...it's the whole commitment thing that scares the poop out of me.

So, to answer family and friends, yes, some day the gate will be open where my heart will be ready to let another one share in the ride and I will be ready to share in someone else's ride. But, for now, I'm in this roller coaster car solo and enjoying every minute of it with wreckless abandon.

It's so odd to read a post I wrote in March 2013 discussing the very same event I am going through now, but it is different...the mind set. Two years ago, I was still moving for my kids, for the family. It's such a strange sensation to be forced into redirection by life forces in such a short period of time. But now, yes, life is saying, "You are wrapping up Mommyhood and moving into Womanhood." Oh, mind you, I don't believe these two are mutually exclusive. However, when you become a single mom when your kids are young, you are forced to make choices that put the kids first. Ironically, those are the same choices that anger them the most as they try to break free from your grasp. We work hard at "holding the family together" only to realize that the family is meant to grow and spread and morph into something totally new and even more exciting...each of us taking on new roles and separating our identities...claiming our own places in life, reveling in each other's new found freedoms and aspirations. To our children, this is a new and exciting, albeit scary, time. For us "older" folk, it is a time of utter confusion at first....your sole purpose as care giver being ripped away and replaced by something not yet discovered. And that is where I am at in my own journey, letting go of the fear, the confusion of my new purpose, and embracing the unknown. And with the radical life change comes another purge, perhaps the biggest one yet...one that may take the next two years to achieve as my son and daughter both slowly leave the nest. But it most certainly has started.

Not unlike the popular horror movie, My Purge involves radical release. No, I am not turning to a life of murder. But I am finding myself able to let go of so much more than ever before in my life. I guess in some way, keeping "things" around that are consistent and keep memories alive for my kids was part of my way of keeping the family life intact. It has been hard for me to "let go" of both kids and the memories that were encapsulated in things in our home. I felt like I was going to lose my sense of purpose. Then this morning I looked at two identical vases in my dining room sideboard. I loved those vases because they were so pretty, or did I? As I starred at them it occurred to me that those were the 2 vases delivered to me at my old business on Valentine's Day in 2004. They were full of beautiful roses sent by my then husband. I thought it was odd that he sent two but was thrilled nonetheless. I called him and thanked him. He seemed angered that I had received two, so much so that I became disturbed at his reaction. I called the florist to ask if there had been an error in my delivery. The man at the other end was suitably flustered explaining my husband had just called to "fix" the error. I asked if we needed to return one. The man stuttered, "Oh no, we will just deliver a new one to the other intended party." "What other party, " I asked quietly. The man hung up. I later found out about "the other party". But why had I kept these two vases for so long when they actually held the secret to such a painful time? I sighed, climbed onto my step stool, gingerly grabbing both vases.  Ten years ago I would have smashed these on the man's front porch, but today I stare at them and realize they are a symbol of the start of my next phase. To let them go in a kind way, giving them to the 2nd hand shop down the street, is my way of sending that part of me into the past. And, so begins a beautiful part of life where I am learning to let go, not by force of will, desire, or anger, but just the knowledge that the life in front of me holds more joy in store that any joy holding on to these vases could provide....and so now that poor 2nd hand store is being inundated by my "memories".

She caresses the frame, feeling the smoothness of the shell it is made of.  The woman gazes at the picture not really seeing the people in it. She sees her reflection looking back at her, a shadow of what she has become, and what she always was...nothingness. To be completely alone is when you come to truly know yourself. "Hogwash," she mutters, throwing the family photo on the ground. "It's utterly useless. All very profound bullshit, but utterly useless." She stands above the frame looking down at the three people smiling politely back at her. That deep yearning of wanting to know what happened, where had she made that wrong turn for everything to be such a shambles. "Pull yourself up by your boot straps, you'll be fine. Really? Who comes up with this garbage?" The woman has taken to talking to herself in the dark apartment where she stands solitary, one light behind her creating a slight halo around her shadowy image, "Look, I'm an angel," she thinks delightfully. "More like a fruitcake," she mutters to herself in disgust. "Too bad that anxiety attack didn't kill you and put you out of your misery." She realizes the two other people in the picture are her children. She pauses. Their images appear almost as they do in life...no longer part of her picture. She is hugging shadows of what once was. Suddenly the creak of the air vents startles her. The furnace has turned on and made her come back to the here and now...where she really no longer wants to be. She picks up the frame and places it in a box. It is time to move on.