These were the words my husband used to describe his new life living away from me and the kids in January, 2005. The ensuing divorce proceedings then took over 2 more years.
Last night, my ex-husband drove our daughter home from dance class after having been away for 5 days at a family wedding in Delaware. He came into the apartment to tell me how the wedding went. His story was odd. The day of the wedding had ended with him going back to his hotel room alone and watching Louis C.K., the comedian, on TV while the rest of the family went to the hotel bar to continue the festivities. He explained that he had had enough of being around people after having driven all the way from Wisconsin with his elderly parents. He delighted in re-canting the subject matter of Louis C.K.'s comedic rants...divorce and how truly Great it is, every married couple should try it. This struck me as a strange thing to be telling the wife he left after being together for a total of 22 years. Don't get me wrong, I really like Louis C.K., but in this instance, I think it must be a guy thing. No wonder they see divorce as a great thing. Suddenly, these divorced men have virtually no responsibilities. My ex, at 50 years old, even got to move into his parents' home for 3 years rent free with live-in maid service...I mean his folks, of course.
Last night, my ex-husband drove our daughter home from dance class after having been away for 5 days at a family wedding in Delaware. He came into the apartment to tell me how the wedding went. His story was odd. The day of the wedding had ended with him going back to his hotel room alone and watching Louis C.K., the comedian, on TV while the rest of the family went to the hotel bar to continue the festivities. He explained that he had had enough of being around people after having driven all the way from Wisconsin with his elderly parents. He delighted in re-canting the subject matter of Louis C.K.'s comedic rants...divorce and how truly Great it is, every married couple should try it. This struck me as a strange thing to be telling the wife he left after being together for a total of 22 years. Don't get me wrong, I really like Louis C.K., but in this instance, I think it must be a guy thing. No wonder they see divorce as a great thing. Suddenly, these divorced men have virtually no responsibilities. My ex, at 50 years old, even got to move into his parents' home for 3 years rent free with live-in maid service...I mean his folks, of course.
But the single mom who is left suddenly takes on all the duties....Everything! It's a daunting task to say the least, especially when you are still reeling emotionally from betrayal and abandonment.
For me, I will never forget the week after my ex moved out of our semi-remodeled home. He had another woman, actually two, he was secretly "involved" with and told me in no uncertain terms that he simply didn't love me anymore. He had made it quite apparent for years that he didn't like me much. I guess I was just hoping that all the years we had spent together and the kids would help us ride out the storm. There I go assuming again. Big mistake. So, he left right after New Year's. Fresh start in more ways than one.
So, I started single motherhood with a bang, getting the kids, then 13 & 5 years old, back to school after the winter break, and trying to continue to work and keep the huge house maintained by myself. I was in shock as the doctor put it. I didn't eat or sleep for an entire week. Really! I didn't think it was humanly possible, but my body basically took over. I tried to navigate my childrens' pain, rather unsuccessfully I think, as I was a complete mess myself. The pivotal day was when I got the kids off to school and drove downtown to work. I took a detour over a very large bridge, considering the possibility of ending it all. It was a fleeting notion because I could only think of my kids at that point, which shocked me back into reality. But my new reality made me realize I was driving over this huge bridge...oh, shit...which normally I avoid at all costs because I am afraid of heights and bridges. What an idiot...if you're gonna off yourself, at least choose something you are not phobically scared of. I jest, but my reaction to my own predicament was even weirder. I saw myself as a failure, just as my ex had painted me. I accepted his portrayal of me. I couldn't even commit suicide right. I decided to drive home.
For me, I will never forget the week after my ex moved out of our semi-remodeled home. He had another woman, actually two, he was secretly "involved" with and told me in no uncertain terms that he simply didn't love me anymore. He had made it quite apparent for years that he didn't like me much. I guess I was just hoping that all the years we had spent together and the kids would help us ride out the storm. There I go assuming again. Big mistake. So, he left right after New Year's. Fresh start in more ways than one.
So, I started single motherhood with a bang, getting the kids, then 13 & 5 years old, back to school after the winter break, and trying to continue to work and keep the huge house maintained by myself. I was in shock as the doctor put it. I didn't eat or sleep for an entire week. Really! I didn't think it was humanly possible, but my body basically took over. I tried to navigate my childrens' pain, rather unsuccessfully I think, as I was a complete mess myself. The pivotal day was when I got the kids off to school and drove downtown to work. I took a detour over a very large bridge, considering the possibility of ending it all. It was a fleeting notion because I could only think of my kids at that point, which shocked me back into reality. But my new reality made me realize I was driving over this huge bridge...oh, shit...which normally I avoid at all costs because I am afraid of heights and bridges. What an idiot...if you're gonna off yourself, at least choose something you are not phobically scared of. I jest, but my reaction to my own predicament was even weirder. I saw myself as a failure, just as my ex had painted me. I accepted his portrayal of me. I couldn't even commit suicide right. I decided to drive home.
Wait a minute, I know the kitchen was around here somewhere!
Arriving back in the drive way of the home we had spent 2 years remodeling and yet to complete, I sat in the car looking up, remembering all the things we had done in this home...ten years. I struggled out of the car, fighting against the fatigue that was quickly hitting me. My body seemed to be finally allowing the sadness and reality to seep in. I walked into the finished kitchen with all new appliances and tile my ex-husband had chosen. I became ill. I fell to my knees, then curled in a ball on the cold kitchen floor, and the sobs took over. I cried like I never have before and never have since, even when I got my cancer diagnosis. Although I did not drive off a bridge, a part of me did die that day. It was a part that experienced a deep love and trust. I don't know if it will ever come back, or if it is a part of me I will have to live without...not too dissimilar to my bi-lateral mastectomy.
Today, like my divorced counterpart, I am happy where I am at, but I can honestly say I would never, ever call divorce the Greatest Thing...it was one of the most painful points in my life. What I have now I would not call freedom just quite yet, but I wouldn't trade the last six years of watching my kids grow for any length of freedom. Perhaps that is where we differ. So, today, I find myself lucky to say, "I am enjoying my life."
RSS Feed