When we have children we have no idea what is in store for us or them. It is one of life's truly amazing journeys to watch a human being grow from infancy to adulthood. I often feel like a spectator on the sidelines now when I see my children find their way.  For years we act as the care taker, then the referree, the school nurse, teacher, the cab driver and maid. It is certainly a thankless job...being a parent. But there is also the wonderment...the awe that comes with the hardest job on earth. I am now seeing how our lives transition. I remember having dreams of the future and now I see my kids experiencing those same yearnings and expectations. As exciting as it is to see their dreams unfold, it is also a reality check.

My son recently got a part time job with the Indy Film Channel doing animation, precisely what he is studying in college as he wraps up his senior year. As I exclaimed to him, "You are living the American Dream...working in the field you actually went to school for!" After bragging about his newest accomplishment to many family and friends, I realized that many of us felt the same joy yet pangs of envy. I went to UCLA with the dreams of becoming an actress and am now a Due Diligence Underwriter. My ex went to school and even got his Masters degree in acting and now sells wine for a living. Of course, we both make a decent living, but to see our son actually make his dream come to fruition is so amazing! It made me realize how my dreams have adjusted over the years. Now my dream is to see my children happy in their lives and eventually to find peace and joy in something new that I would like to do.

My daughter, like her brother, is following her creative heart and starting her Freshman year at the Milwaukee High School for the Arts, majoring in dance after successfully auditioning to get in and choosing her artistic path over friends and school in New Berlin, WI. I see two incredible young people with two amazing future paths. I am fortunate to be part of their journey. 

So, I didn't make it big in Hollywood, but what I have learned in this 2nd act of life is that life ain't over! I can still dream for myself just like my kids. I thank them for making me see the possibilities again. Here's to following your dreams, kids!

These were the words my husband used to describe his new life living away from me and the kids in January, 2005. The ensuing divorce proceedings then took over 2 more years.

Last night, my ex-husband drove our daughter home from dance class after having been away for 5 days at a family wedding in Delaware. He came into the apartment to tell me how the wedding went. His story was odd. The day of the wedding had ended with him going back to his hotel room alone and watching Louis C.K., the comedian, on TV while the rest of the family went to the hotel bar to continue the festivities. He explained that he had had enough of being around people after having driven all the way from Wisconsin with his elderly parents. He delighted in re-canting the subject matter of Louis C.K.'s comedic rants...divorce and how truly Great it is, every married couple should try it.  This struck me as a strange thing to be telling the wife he left after being together for a total of 22 years. Don't get me wrong, I really like Louis C.K., but in this instance, I think it must be a guy thing.  No wonder they see divorce as a great thing. Suddenly, these divorced men have virtually no responsibilities. My ex, at 50 years old, even got to move into his parents' home for 3 years rent free with live-in maid service...I mean his folks, of course.

But the single mom who is left suddenly takes on all the duties....Everything! It's a daunting task to say the least, especially when you are still reeling emotionally from betrayal and abandonment. 

For me, I will never forget the week after my ex moved out of our semi-remodeled home.  He had another woman, actually two, he was secretly "involved" with and told me in no uncertain terms that he simply didn't love me anymore.  He had made it quite apparent for years that he didn't like me much. I guess I was just hoping that all the years we had spent together and the kids would help us ride out the storm. There I go assuming again. Big mistake. So, he left right after New Year's. Fresh start in more ways than one.

So, I started single motherhood with a bang, getting the kids, then 13 & 5 years old, back to school after the winter break, and trying to continue to work and keep the huge house maintained by myself.  I was in shock as the doctor put it. I didn't eat or sleep for an entire week. Really! I didn't think it was humanly possible, but my body basically took over. I tried to navigate my childrens' pain, rather unsuccessfully I think, as I was a complete mess myself. The pivotal day was when I got the kids off to school and drove downtown to work. I took a detour over a very large bridge, considering the possibility of ending it all. It was a fleeting notion because I could only think of my kids at that point, which shocked me back into reality. But my new reality made me realize I was driving over this huge bridge...oh, shit...which normally I avoid at all costs because I am afraid of heights and bridges. What an idiot...if you're gonna off yourself, at least choose something you are not phobically scared of.  I jest, but my reaction to my own predicament was even weirder. I saw myself as a failure, just as my ex had painted me. I accepted his portrayal of me. I couldn't even commit suicide right. I decided to drive home.

Arriving back in the drive way of the home we had spent 2 years remodeling and yet to complete, I sat in the car looking up, remembering all the things we had done in this home...ten years. I struggled out of the car, fighting against the fatigue that was quickly hitting me. My body seemed to be finally allowing the  sadness and reality to seep in.  I walked into the finished kitchen with all new appliances and tile my ex-husband had chosen. I became ill. I fell to my knees, then curled in a ball on the cold kitchen floor, and the sobs took over. I cried like I never have before and never have since, even when I got my cancer diagnosis. Although I did not drive off a bridge, a part of me did die that day. It was a part that experienced a deep love and trust. I don't know if it will ever come back, or if it is a part of me I will have to live without...not too dissimilar to my bi-lateral mastectomy.

Today, like my divorced counterpart, I am happy where I am at, but I can honestly say I would never, ever call divorce the Greatest Thing...it was one of the most painful points in my life.  What I have now I would not call freedom just quite yet, but I wouldn't trade the last six years of watching my kids grow for any length of freedom. Perhaps that is where we differ. So, today, I find myself lucky to say, "I am enjoying my life."

Today is Retro Wednesday, but just a moment ago the Senate of the United States failed to pass gun control reform. Today my prayers are with the families of all who have lost their loved ones due to gun violence. We should be ashamed.

In 1996, 35 people lost their lives in a mass shooting spree in the Port Arthur tourist destination in Tasmania.  Stunned, Australia's government issued sweeping gun reform laws within 2 weeks. There hasn't been a mass shooting there since.

So, maybe just a fluke? I don't know...there were 11 mass shootings in the country in the decade prior to the Port Arthur incident. And gun suicides, robberies, assaults have all decreased since the government took action. 

Seems like a no-brainer. But not to us in the US.

Japan, the UK, and Canada all have similar gun control laws that prohibit the access to automatic weapons, high capacity magazines, and enforce background checks that include potential buyer's criminal, mental, and addiction histories. And what a surprise, the deaths in those countries are a fraction of what we consistently see here in the States caused by guns.
 
Seems like a no-brainer. But not to us in the US.

On April 13, 2013, Francine Wheeler, whose son, Ben, died at the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting in December, once again issued a public plea to the Senate to create and enforce gun reforms. 20 children and 6 educators died at the hand of a single man with a history of mental illness who had access in his home to automatic weapons. Do we want them to have died in vain? Apparently, the NRA doesn't give a flying #$%@ about the kids, or educators, or Francine Wheeler.  What about the people in the movie theatre in Colorado, the victims of the Sikh Temple shooting in Wisconsin, the victims at the political rally in Arizona, the students at Columbine and Virginia Tech?

Seems like a no-brainer. But not to us in the US.

On April 15th we witnessed 2 bombs go off at the Boston Marathon.  My question is if the bomber had instead been one of these mass shooters with a different weapon of choice, an automatic weapon, would fewer or more people have died? Think about it. My point is not that the bomb was not lethal, on the contrary. My point is we need to juxtapose the two...Hello...They are BOTH weapons of mass destruction. If someone had killed 3000 people in the World Trade Centers on 9/11 with automatic weapons, would we have reformed gun laws? I wonder. But we don't seem to understand that ten times that number of people die every year from gun injuries in this country. Are we stupid?  Other countries must certainly think so! We, as a country, continue to kid ourselves that guns are so seemingly singular in intent when in reality, automatic weapons are, indeed, weapons of mass destruction and should be classified as such. Nothing less. 

Seems like a no-brainer. But not to us in the US.

Had Monday weigh in at the health club for the Survivor program and nailed it! Survived the 12 weeks and lost 38 pounds. Still have 22 to go, but this is a decent start. Now I have to put something in place that continues to keep me accountable. The Monday weigh ins were superb for that, albeit terribly angst ridden.

I decided to celebrate but not over indulge. About 6 months ago my daughter and I found an amazing recipe for black bean burgers with corn, cumin, chili garlic paste, chili powder, jalapeno, bread crumbs, and some eggs. The recipe can be found at Allrecipes.com. I add some fresh cilantro in the patties and top with salsa when done. My daughter makes a regular burger with it, adding some salsa, chipotle mayo, and bun.  I double the recipe and keep the rest in the refrigerator for quick lunches or dinners during the week.  These burgers re-heat in the microwave really well.

Now if only the weather would improve, so I didn't have to make the long trek to the gym. It is April in Wisconsin which often comes with weeks of rain, snow, cold, and wind...AND No Sun! Have to take extra doses of Vitamin D to survive. I believe the last time we saw the sun was when I wrote my entry on April 2nd. Everyone is in a foul mood and pretty snarky, and they are expecting more snow showers this week. Yuck! Just trying to hold on until May...hopefully, some warm weather will thaw and dry us out. Until then...I guess I stick with working out inside & cooking our burgers inside.

Okay, as a single, working mom my days are pretty tightly scheduled with very little wiggle room for things to go awry. I am an independent contractor doing due diligence mortgage underwriting from home which means long, unpredictable hours. Then there is the daughter in dance...all the time. Today was like any other with a "to do" list a mile long and me scratching my head wondering how I was going to manage. Well, I haven't quite yet. It's 9:20pm. We just got home. Daughter is in the shower. And rather than finish my last two files for review I have chosen to vent. I'll do the files after.

You see, earlier today I made a nice home cooked dinner of pesto penne for my kids before we had to leave again for another dance class. The kids loved it, and they even helped me do the dishes. Things were going swimmingly. No, really swimmingly. My daughter started screaching as she looked down at her wet stocking feet, "What's all this water, Mom?!" I was at the sink while the kids were behind me drying. I had the water running. I looked down at the floor, and water was quickly flooding my tiny kitchen. Now, I have had leaky pipes before, but this was unreal. The pipe had literally fallen, just came apart with no warning.

A phrase my kids hear a lot  was uttered once again, "I don't have friggin' time for this!" Well, perhaps my verbage was a tad stronger in the heat of the moment. And that is how I lost 2 hours out of my day. Yes, we made it to dance class during which I managed a four mile jog to de-stress. Tomorrow is another day...I shutter to think. But now when I look at the pipe, I kind of chuckle. 

My daughter recently stayed home sick from school on a Monday. Her brother was still home from college, planning to return to Chicago that evening. My daughter was concerned about missing her classes, so she texted one of her classmates asking her what had been assigned. She did not hear back from the girl, so she texted her again. Apparently texting in school is permitted which seemed odd in the first place. However, someone did respond to my daughter's text saying that this was not the girl she was looking for but, in fact, a middle aged man. The man then proceeded to berate my daughter for texting him and being rude. He even sent her a picture of himself...just his face, thank God. This scared my daughter.  She texted her other friends who proceeded to inform my daughter that the friend she was trying to reach had gotten a new phone over the weekend. Logic would say that perhaps this man was assigned the girl's old cell number.
 

Hhhhmmm. Something didn't seem right. For one thing, the picture of the man looked strange, certainly not a picture he took with his phone. With tears in her eyes and a trembling voice, my daughter came to me and her brother showing us the conversation and the man's photo. My son immediately sprung into action. He said with the utmost confidence that her friends were playing a nasty trick on her. I wasn't sure what to think but was saddened that my son's first reaction was that these "friends" were the instigators.  My son jumped on his laptop, emailed the man's photo from my daughter's phone to himself on his laptop, and downloaded the picture into Google which almost instantly located the picture on a web page for a man who was a CEO in Portland, Oregon.  My son had been correct in his assumption.

The next day my daughter confronted her tormentors when she returned to school. The kids seemed very proud of themselves for managing to play such an elaborate hoax on my unsuspecting daughter. Shameful. My daughter returned home that afternoon, baffled. "Why would they do that? Why be so mean and then think it's funny? I don't understand, Mom!" I didn't have the answers. Middle school cruelty has clearly escalated in this rapidly changing age of technology. I took a long, deep breath. We sat over dinner and talked for a long time about people, their motivations, and how to be careful of such things in the future.  My daughter, unlike most of her peers, does not have access to Facebook and won't until she is 14. House rules. Her final statement at dinner, "I'm thinking I don't want a Facebook account anymore!" I'm thinking the same.  And, yes, I got permission from my 13 year old to tell this story.

This incident was fairly innocuous compared to much we hear happening in the news with false presentations through the internet. What scares me is that kids of this age already have the knowledge to pull an image of a perfect stranger off the internet and "insert" him into a cleverly crafted teenage prank. It makes it so difficult for the victims of such jokes to make sense of it all.  Needless to say, when my son came home the following weekend, he had a much more natural reaction....one I could relate to..."I'm gonna kick some ass! Nobody messes with my little sister but me!"

I did it. I christened the gas oven at the new place. I am in a 2 story upper flat of a duplex in Milwaukee. It is an old home but a beauty. I have been craving a gas stove and oven for years and now have one. Granted I gave up a lot of modern conveniences a contemporary apartment offers, but there are perks that far out weigh the negatives. Gas cooking. Oh yes! Nothing like it.

Yes, my kitchen is now probably smaller than the one I had with my ex in 1985 in LA, but it is so cool. And cooking is just a delight. Tonight I roasted and then broilded yellow cauliflower with garlic, olive oil, and parmesan cheese. To die for! Anyone who has used an electric oven understands my pain. For eight years, I have tried to cook mostly in my toaster oven because the electric ovens never heated quite right. Not anymore. Well that and the old house doesn't let me use the toaster oven and microwave at the same time without the fuse blowing. Old house...new problems. It's all good!

Welcome to the ring bearer and flower girl from my wedding. Although my marriage ended 18 years later, there were happy memories, and this photo is one of them. Yes, "1980's mauve" as this little boy's mom reminisced in her Facebook comment to me. But what's crazy is this little boy is getting married this weekend. The little girl pictured, his cousin, is also attending. The young groom is an attorney and living a successful life in Delaware. The little girl has lived abroad, speaks fluent Spanish and has since returned to the Midwest to teach at UWM. When did life pass me by so quickly? Ironically, these kids...well, now adults...are from my ex's family, but I still adore them. Of course, we will not be in attendance, but I so wish them the best. It is such an amazing time in life...all the beginnings, the firsts, the possibilities, the excitement. No matter how much bad stuff happens in your life, a beautiful wedding is always a grand, hopeful, inspiring event...a true passage.

And, I'm sorry, but 80's mauve or not, are those not two adorable kids?!!!

As a little background, I was not accustomed to being unable to pay my bills; however, divorce, as many of you know, can be financially devastating. My divorce, initiated  by my ex in 2004 and ending in 2007, was no different. When my ex left, I owned three companies with a business partner, and my husband had a well-paying job in the wine industry. We owned our own home and were in the process of adding a second floor to it along with a new kitchen. We each drove nice, new cars and often took family vacations with our two wonderful kids. Like so many people in the early 2000's, we were enjoying the booming economy. Only our world came crashing down just a little before the nation's economy took a dump. My mom always told me I was ahead of my time.

Divorce meant dividing the assets and debts. My ex had never feigned much interest in my businesses until it came to splitting things up. It was a long, ugly mess.  After 16 years of marriage, my ex had moved into his parents' basement while I found an apartment for me and the kids. The "half" completed home was simply more than I could handle on my own, as was the payment for my Mazda MPV. I told the auto finance company the whole story, and, although they were understanding and tried to help me make payment arrangements, it was clear I could no longer afford the vehicle. It was at this same time that my ex and I had filed our joint tax return and had received a sizable refund being held by the divorce attorneys. Needing money to purchase a used vehicle, I explained to the attorneys in a joint meeting with the ex that I required my portion of the refund before my current car was repossessed. My ex's attorney, a young, well-dressed woman scoffed at the idea explaining to me in a condescending tone, "That only happens in the movies." I tried to explain to the group that the finance company said it would be repossessed...Really! Both attorneys shook their heads at me with that look that said, "This poor dear doesn't have a clue." The ex seemed quite pleased that I once again looked like the dim-witted woman. Nonetheless, the attorneys reluctantly released a small amount for me to purchase a used car...more out of pity than acknowledging the pressing need.

That very weekend, knowing I was under the gun time wise, I went and found a 1994 Pontiac Sunfire with 100K miles on it. It was tiny and red, and it was the first vehicle I had purchased on my own. Let's be honest, it was a piece of crap, but it was MY piece of crap! I drove the car back to the apartment and parked it next to my SUV. It was late in the evening, so I figured I would transfer my belongings from one vehicle to the other in the morning.

The next morning when I went down to get my newspaper, I bent down and noticed skid marks on the driveway where my SUV had been. My bright red Sunfire shined in the morning sun, but the SUV? Gone.  Hhhhmmm...only in the movies, huh? Then I realized I still had all my stuff in the repo including my daughter's booster seat. Ahhh, hells bells, now what? I had to make arrangements for the kids and drive 30 miles to a warehouse where the sad SUV had been taken. The guys at the lot were pretty sympathetic, but I will never forget how demoralized I felt when they opened this huge warehouse door. The large dark building housed one vehicle at the far end...mine. Well, technically not mine anymore. The men allowed me to retrieve my belongings, giving me a garbage bag to carry all the toys, sippy cups, soccer balls, and booster seat. Clearly they had been through this drill before. I then made the long walk of shame out of the building, off the lot, and into my little car with huge garbage bag in tow.

So, word to the wise, the Repo Man (or woman) does exist and is NOT only in the movies. The bright side? I had gotten my used car just in the knick of time.