Day 10: I am grateful to have had my years alone. I know, I haven't been completely alone...I have had my children to raise. But I have been without a partner now for 10 years. Time has flown by. When my ex left I attempted to date, only to find out the first two men I dated were both married. So, I quickly soured on the whole notion of dating. I devoted myself to raising my kids, keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, later battling cancer. And now with the health problems subsiding, the kids growing up and leaving, it is time for me to figure out, "What next?" It is actually exciting, and I do not at all regret my time alone over the last decade. I have been fortunate to have time to be myself...to live without the mask of trying to please another person.

I started dating my ex-husband when I was 16 and he was 28. Yes, a dynamic frowned upon nowadays, but it was the 80s after all.  As you can imagine, my identity got quickly intertwined in what my husband expected of me. I fought to maintain my self image but often found myself losing touch with the true me. It has honestly taken ten years for me to tear down the walls I built up and pry away the masks I had become accustomed to wearing.

I hope that now I will make a more true and honest partner to someone and will also be secure enough in my own identity to express my own desires and goals. I am looking forward to this next chapter because I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I look forward to finding someone who is equally excited, comfortable, and self aware.

Day 9: I am thankful that one of my kids has made it successfully through puberty and his college years, alive and well, and a little wiser. Here's hoping the 2nd one follows suit. It's a tough time for kids as they develop their own self image, and I am not sure how social media is going to impact that self worth. It is a time to learn new boundaries that I never had to learn when growing up. Shoot, when I was little we still had a phone with a long cord, and it certainly did not take pictures or allow you to type brazen, often obnoxious captions. So, we muddle through together...navigating this mine field of social media.

Day 8: We had frost a few mornings ago and today it is 80 degrees and sunny. Only along Lake Michigan...she has such mood swings. Today I am thankful that I work from home. There are, no doubt, challenges to working from home...the solitude, staying focused...especially in the winter months. But on a day like today, "Wow!" I was able to start work in my PJs at 6:15am. See my daughter off to school. Well, at 14 she probably would rather I were invisible with just a wallet and car keys, but for me it is nice to see her off. Yes, even when she snarls at me. As computer issues arose, I was able to take an hour long jog along Lake Michigan in the middle of the day as the issues were being resolved by IT. Uh, yeah, I did change out of the PJs first. Fuzzy slippers are not recommended jogging footwear. The great thing was I could come back and immediately get right back to work. Yup, no shower! Yuck, you say? Well, I took one after I finished my day, of course, but the great thing was the run gave me energy to complete the day, gave my foggy head some clarity, and there was no one to witness my sweat or odor. It made me think that we should all have such an opportunity during the work day. I know when I worked in an office, I would eat my lunch at my computer, stay chained to the desk, leaving only for a bathroom break or two. By the end of the day, I would come home exhausted and certainly in no shape to want to exercise.  So, despite the struggle with the solitude of working from home, I have to say, I'm finding a balance that is working for me both mentally and physically.

Day 7: I know it may seem suspect that I have not mentioned being thankful for family, friends, health, etc. However, for my own endeavors I want the gratitude for such people and categories to be much more specific and meaningful, so I am allowing those extra special "thanks" to develop and evolve over time. For today, I am thankful for sense memory, specifically a memory of a special food dish. No, it is not the smell of an apple pie baking in the oven reminding me of my mother cooking in the kitchen. But this dish does remind me of a very special person and a very special time in my life. I am thankful for the Greek dish, tzatziki.

This is not a fancy dish and is most often used as a dip. However, it takes me back to 10th grade. My mother had travelled to Greece on somewhat of a pilgrimage. When she arrived home, things changed rapidly. Within months, my mom was enrolled in a school in Santa Barbara, CA to train as a marriage and family therapist. We quickly packed up the house in Alexandria, VA and drove across country just in time for me to start 11th grade. I was more than up for the adventure. It was exciting, albeit scary. And the one thing I remember us making a lot of was tzatziki....a dish of plain Greek yogurt, fresh dill, garlic, cucumber, salt, and lemon. On a hot day, it was divine.  It reminds me of my energetic, brilliant mother, an amazing adventure, and the continued hope that life can always change on a dime if we allow the universe to guide us.

So, tonight I make some tzatziki...Yummm. The taste takes me back to a wonderful, simpler time in my life when my mom got to worry about all the logistics of the move while all I had to cope with was teenage angst.  Here's to you, Mom!

Day 6: I am thankful for Facebook.

I know, sounds odd, but I believe most of us have this Love-Hate relationship with Social Media. It is often far too consuming of our time, diverting us from leading our real lives, and interacting with the real people in the same room. However, I have to say it is interesting to read the newsfeed and actually see us as a group of humans trending towards the same things at the same time. I'm not even talking about the political aspect but rather just the human experience and how we share our day-to-day lives on Facebook. For instance, 3 months ago 90% of what I posted and saw posted on my newsfeed by others was about the Polar Vortex. It was a frightful, depressing time for a lot of us. Today, almost everyone is posting about their recent 5K they ran, the barbeque they are having, the bike ride they are going on, the flowers they are planting, the concerts they are enjoying.  So, although many of my friends are conservatives and not a bleeding heart liberal like myself, we share life. We share the joys of feeling the warmth of Spring finally arriving, we enjoy having time with family and friends, and enjoying the accomplishment of the graduates as we a . We all seem to strive for good health and time with family and want to share it all with others. People no longer shout from the roof tops, they post it on Facebook. I am thankful that I can connect with my family so far away with such ease and share those silly episodes in daily life that make us snicker and wish we could have shared. Now we can, and for that, yes, I am thankful.

I started this quest on May 13th, developing it, and figuring out what I wanted the next 100 days of my life to be about. The usual hopes and wishes and self-promises come to mind...I started the 60 day challenge at Any Time Fitness, signed up for another 5K, stopped eating sugar and drinking alcohol, watching what I eat, exercising daily, writing again. But something is missing...and then I realized I needed to do two things to make the next 100 days have true life-changing meaning...giving gratitude on a daily basis for something in my life and sharing it. A friend turned me onto this idea...you know who you are, T.

So, Day 1 - May 13th: I was thankful for music. The music we choose is as individual as the clothes we wear and can inspire us to feel better and be strong.

Day 2- May 14th: Tulips blossoming in the garden, better late than never. Music and now flowers...getting stronger.

Day 3- May 15th: Huge day to be thankful...Thanks to my personal trainer, Nikki, for pushing. We can do this...60 day challenge starts!

Day 4- May 16th: Thankful that I made it out of my comfort zone and met some great people last night who share my desire to aspire.

Day 5- May 17th: Pushing the boundaries again and enjoying meeting a group of incredible women. Thankful there are so many interesting people in this world and that we actually have the choice to let them into our hearts if we choose.

So, I am caught up...95 days to go...hopefully toward making these actions part of a new life style...one where I am no longer a mother 24/7, but a viable woman who still, God willing, has time to make a contribution.

As I continue my journey, I hear whispers saying I'm strong. If only they knew...No, if only I knew all along that we all struggle, attempting to be strong. Yesterday, I started facing some of my darkest fears, demons, failures. I've been stuck in this tunnel far too long and would love to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin...the freedom away from this tunnel I have kept myself in for so long. It is a daily struggle, but I am noticing that as I get older my ability to focus on going towards the light is becoming more methodical and consistent. The voices beckoning from behind that drag me back into the dark, damp abyss are becoming far less powerful. I now hear voices in front of me. I am not alone. I do not have to be solitary in my journey but must make a conscious choice each and everyday to move forward, shedding the darkness and the voices that call from it.  I have chosen to accept the new voices into my life, the encouraging voices that promise me that I do not have to travel alone anymore.  It's okay to not be strong and solitary.  I am allowed to find my footing, slowly and deliberately making my journey to the light, accepting that I need to let these kind voices into my life in order to make it there.

It has been quite a week as I watch my children navigate their lives. My daughter had several "firsts", first real date, first dance, first kiss, first fight, first break up. She accomplished more in the span of seven days than many of us achieve in seven years...and none the worse for wear. Unscathed, she shook herself off and stated, "I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders." I snicker at her youthful wisdom.

Then I watch my son toil with his life choices, feeling the weight of the world, thinking that every decision he now makes at 22 will somehow be the "end all", wanting to be sure his decision is the "right" one. I pause, I snicker at his youthful wisdom. I yearn for that feeling that somehow my choices will seal my fate and determine what I will be doing and where I will be at in 20 years. I snicker at my own healthy dose of reality.

Perhaps the hardest part of growing up is realizing that the cross roads are all part of the journey...one that is paramount to the journey continuing and being worth living. My mom started telling me when my husband left that "this too shall pass". But what she did not mention is that once the emotional upheaval of passing through one cross road is done, you suddenly find yourself at another cross road, and another, and another. That is, if you allow yourself.

My ex often said I liked change and he did not. There was some truth to that for sure. When young, I sought out excitement...challenges...cross roads.  As I got older I found that life had enough of a roller coaster in store for me that I did not need to search it out. Don't get me wrong. I desperately sought out "normal" in an effort to please. How else do you think I ended up sentenced to life in the Midwest? I made a choice out of trying to determine what would be best for me for the next 20 years, or should I say what I thought was expected of me. I made a choice, one that lingers on the lips. My son is at that age of searching for that "right" decision. I pause and take a deep breath. He doesn't want to make a decision he will "regret". Ahhhh, and therein lies our deepest tormentor. "What if?" And therein lies experience when you realize, if you are lucky, that regret is simply not a useful commodity. If we spend time regretting our choices, we lose valuable time during which we could learn from those choices. I try not to use the work "mistake" because if there is one thing growing older can impart is that we may not make the best choices, but more often than not, those choices build who we are and shape our future ability to be happy no matter what cross road we come upon.

You may think you can chose Purgatory or Paradise here on earth. Nope! We can only try our best, making choices as we go...not over-judging ourselves or those around us. And as long as we have the option to chose our paths...well, then we are alive and very, very lucky. No regrets...just lesson learned and...Next cross road if you please.

Okay...I am going to take this slowly. Yes, this is my daughter's boyfriend. Uuummm.
Whhhhatttttttttt Thhhheee FFF...
Well, now do you see why I have issues...why all moms have issues!!!! Actually, this young man is very good looking and has a kind smile, but when a mom sees this on Facebook, she is going to freak!!!!  

As a mom I entered the weekend from hell on Halloween weekend. I would have much rather spent a half hour in a much dreaded haunted house with cheesy effects than enduring my daughter's advancement into high school life...

"The gateway drug to adulthood!"

Someone must someday do a spoof on that! But until then, suffice it to say that I am trying to remember why "Carrie" the movie was shocking. There is no question that raising a son is easier. Raising a teenage daughter is quite possibly as lethal as navigating a mine field! I think I got blown up at least seven times this weekend.
There should be an app called BUMM...
Blow Up Ma Ma!
I could map it out for you tech folks!

Until then, we are still working on a photo acceptable to all parties that actually shows these people in this story are not Zombies.
Knowing teenagers...we'll get back to you when they are 20! (If I survive!)

This was my balcony jungle at the end of Summer...a triumph in color and texture and fragrance. But, alas, the season has ended and has given way to fallen leaves, cold, brisk winds...and scary spiders...

The jungle is gone, and I made one last attempt at holiday décor in the interest of my children. Then I realized that they have grown beyond the need or even interest in holiday decorating. I had always tried to create an atmosphere for different holidays, creating various traditions along the way. It seemed at the time to inspire their imaginations and create a fun sense of excitement for the next phase of the year. But this year, there remains two untouched pumpkins on the balcony...my famous baked pumpkin seeds a thing of the past. The kids looked sideways at the decorations with polite yet obvious disdain. Today I will remove the decorations...putting them in my new box kept in the basement for next Spring marked "Yard Sale."

As the old gives away to new experiences, I find myself in unchartered waters. For so long I have been defined as "their mom." Now I move towards an empty nest, alone....and I don't know how to do that! Damn it...another manual to life that I am missing. But truly, no one can define your future but yourself. That is what "they" say. How poetic and ridiculously unhelpful! I tend to approach life in a practical, day-to-day, what am I going to do today kind of way.  I develop routines so that I can keep that emptiness at bay, but now what? I can't use the kids to fill that void anymore. Time for Momma to grow up too. Don't get me wrong. I embrace this challenge but am also scared to death. So, I had to look at this in a practical "to-do" way. It's kind of like when I started a family, started a business, got cancer...I had to think about the practical things "to do". You have a baby...well, you buy a crib, paint a room blue or pink. You start a business...well, you write your business plan, implement goals. You get cancer...well, first you freak out, then you find out your options, have surgery, go through treatments.

So, what's my treatment for the next phase...I used a "lifeline" and talked to my 22 year old son. I have been watching him struggle with his next phase in life, so we sat outside on the front stoop one day and just chatted in the cool Autumn air, the fallen leaves rustling in the gentle breeze, both of us looking whistfully at our feet..."Where are our feet going to take us next?"  He had a wonderful idea. A goal...if you will. I had to adjust his premise just slightly to adapt to the practical nature of having a job and still supporting two kids, but I think he is on to something. A clear action to set me on the path to finding what I am going to do with the rest of my life...or with the next few years anyway.

He knows of my boredom with my own circumstance...my constant search for something that will break me out of the predictable nature of my existence. Simply stated..."Mom, try something new everyday and write about it." Knowing that doing that everyday could be slightly daunting and perhaps not practical or achievable, we agreed on the concept, but I will start by finding something new to do and write about once a week. Now, please, Reader, do not get your hopes up! I do not bungee jump or do anything like sky-diving....that just isn't going to happen. But there are some things...this should be fun. Welcome to my next phase....time to put away the Halloween decorations and time to test drive a Porsche! Aahhh, sweet dreams!